so i’m not gonna lie, craig – i’m past the point of empty right now.
i’m exhausted mentally.
every day, 7 days a week from before sun up to past sunset, i am at my computer working.
there are so many gears going at once, and i have to constantly switch them up that i feel like i’m not being efficient with my time.
even right now, as i record this, and probably even while i’m listening to it back in editing, i’ll be thinking, “there are other things that i need to be doing right now.”
but the truth is, i’m realizing that this little project that you’re listening to has always been more about putting my intentions out into the world and using that to hold myself accountable.
and if you’ve been listening for a while, you know that i’ve often struggled with that, but i’ve been fortunate enough to find that some of you out there connect with that struggle too sometimes, and despite that, we continue to encourage each other to be the best version of ourselves, whatever that means.
but lately, it’s been a little hard for me.
my mom asked me the other night, “are you gonna finally take a day off?”
i laughed. “i can’t. if i don’t do it, are you?”
but i know it’s because i have to put in all the hard work first. i’m not exchanging my time for hours anymore. my boss cut me back like i thought they would, and i’ve been finding it difficult to want to switch gears back to them because i see the writing on the wall – i need to continue to invest in myself because no one else will.
i try to take a half hour walk with dove every day; it serves a couple of purposes:
1. wears down dove’s little tappy nails on the sidewalk with time
2. it’s almost meditation. i get to walk without distraction, no music, just my thoughts and the sounds of rush hour traffic a block away from me.
and as dove and i tappa tappa tappa in this concrete jungle along this disgusting poop-ridden bayou i once fell into trying to impress a girl, i think, “where am i even going?”
and i answer myself, “idk. wherever i can with the time i have.”
and since i don’t have music playing, my brain often becomes its own jukebox, pivoting between hella good by no doubt or cars by gary numan.
today was no doubt.
what’s strange is i know i’ve been given so much more time and freedom, but after one month, two months, you start to doubt yourself, like maybe you didn’t have a thing figured out, and this was a mistake.
and once you’re in that mode, it’s sort of hard to talk yourself out of it, which is why i’m sitting here putting this out there today.
because i need it to be a reminder that this is temporary, that the fumes i’m running on are pushing me where i’m supposed to be, and once i’m able to stop and take a breath and know that my bills are being covered, the fruits of my labor will catch up to me.
and it might not feel like a lot at first. in the beginning, you’re gonna say, “this is it? it doesn’t even cover my investment.”
but that power of compound interest will come into play, and you’ll be able to take more than just a breath. maybe you can take a few.
but it’s all with time. you have to remember that. i have to remember that.
the other thing i have to remember is to focus. because with all this negative self-talk comes a straying eye. now you’re discouraged with what you’re doing, so you’re looking for that next shiny object to focus your energy into.
stop doing things half-assed. if you wanna have multiple things going on at once, they have to complement each other and be connected in a way. you shouldn’t have to veer too far away from whatever niche you’ve chosen.
changing gears is hard when you have a lot of things going on at once. take your time, figure out what’s going to give you the most value for your time. don’t waste your time on anything that is distracting you from your big picture.
so i’m restructuring team blue. i’m giving myself until may to become profitable, and that’s it. i’m out of texas, and i’m betting on myself and hoping my crutch is not my downfall.
i have to get back to baseline so i can get off high alert. lately, i feel like i’m just constantly a ball of nerves, and i know it’s this unnecessary feeling of dread. i should know i’m gonna be okay, but lately it hasn’t felt like it.
so we’ll see what happens. my plan is to leave houston may 10. i’ve made a lot of purchases with the intention to be fully contained, not just because of covid, but also because i have to with a bad ass dog who can’t allow me to leave the van without him causing a scene.
this means sponge baths inside the van. this means no grocery stores, retail, gym, public bathroom.
oh this is gonna be fun.
if you’re interested in the van stuff, you can find her instagram @tripvanstinkle
i’ll probably be posting more content there once i’m on the road. i intend to alternate between blm land and urban stealth camping, though my great white shark probably isn’t going to be as stealth as i think in some of these towns.
so if you wanna see what a disaster that becomes and whether or not i accidentally hurt myself with the stun gun i just bought, follow me there @tripvanstinkle
all right, cross your fingers that i’m able to be a little more consistent with content, and ALSO while i have your attention, go ahead and check out ramblinvanradio.com, where i curate unsigned and independent artists from all over the world and put them all in one place, free of charge.
ramblinvanradio.com no G, okay? the only G is me.
i play this podcast daily from noon to 3 CST, but other than that, it’s a free for all.
i also take submissions on the website if you’re an unsigned artist.
aight toots mcgoots i gotta pee. vaya con dios.