van life and mental health
so it’s been a while since i’ve been motivated to put something together for you all. 
i’ve spent most of my free time trying to build my business and teaching myself something new almost every day.
it’s caused a bit of burnout from time to time, so i have to remember to put the work away and give myself a break. 
i’ve been on the road for nearly 5 months, and with the exception of a few weeks when my mom flew into colorado, i’ve been basically on my own trapped with the dog inside my van.
fortunately, i know myself, and i know that i reeeeeally really enjoy being alone. actually, i’m surprised by just how much i enjoy being alone. it might be borderline psychopathic.
but sometimes i think about how i used to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, and my unhappiness really was the fuel for that alcoholism.
last time i got fucked up was in this van. i woke up with beer all over my floor and a pen jammed into my body.
alcohol could have very well destroyed my dream of van life. can you imagine if i got a DUI? i wouldn’t even be legally allowed to sit behind the wheel of my own vehicle.
now i’m not gonna say i’m 100% immune from fucking up. in fact, over the last few weeks, i’ve had a slight urge to pick up a nice high alcohol content beer to take the edge off, but i quickly brush that idea off because i’ve never drank alcohol, then woke up the next day and said, “that was a great idea.”
so i’ll just stick to my low-risk drugs and be about my merry way.
if you’re the type of person who gets stir crazy and needs to be out and about constantly, living in a van isn’t gonna make that any easier for you, especially if you go low-top. 
i stay in my van 90% of the time. i take dove out 3 or 4 times a day to relieve himself, but i stay in and work all day. but i can’t imagine doing that in a low-top van. at least i can stand up and stretch. i can cook and eat and work without straining my back.
now imagine you decide to go on the road with another human. you’ve now cut your free space in half. i’m a small person, but those few weeks sharing my space with my mother made me want to commit homicide.
that’s the other thing about me. i seem to not have a lot of patience. i’ve gotten better since being on the road, but if i had to live in here with another full-sized person, i might just abandon them in the desert.
if you’re not in a good headspace, please don’t do van life. if you’re struggling with drugs, depression, anxiety, money issues, you gotta get to the bottom of it before you throw yourself in the wilderness and readjust your entire life.
don’t underestimate the sacrifices you’ll have to make when you become a rubber tramp. some people might say, “ah fuck with this bitch says, if you wanna live your life, then live your life.”
but sorry to say you ain’t livin if you wake up every day worrying you’re running low on money, if you’re angry with your partner or upset that the weather is keeping inside your tiny little van. 
sometimes your van will get filthy. sometimes YOU will get filthy. i mean, you’re living in the mountains or the desert. you drive through dusty ass roads sometimes. if that bothers you, don’t do it.
my biggest frustration used to be my dog, but we’re working on it. some days i worry about money, but i’m working on it. and i have faith in myself and my abilities.
if i didn’t have faith in myself, i’d have a hard time keeping myself motivated. i might even be tempted to head back to texas for good.
i aint got all the answers, sway. but you have to be mentally secure to make drastic changes like this.
me, i thrive on my own. truly. i have so many interests that keep me entertained that my need for social interaction isn’t as strong as some other people.
i also LOVE being filthy. it’s not like i got a job to go to. i switch between 2 pairs of shorts and 2 shirts. so what.
i don’t think it’s healthy at all to not socialize, so i do try to pick up the phone and call my mom from time to time. and i ask the guy during my walmart curbside pickup how his day has been.
and sadly, i’ll sometimes ask myself a question while driving, then answer it. 
but mostly i just bingewatch real housewives and pretend i’m friends with them. and to me, that’s all the socializin’ i need.
this is all i really needed to say. it’s been on the brain for a while now, so for everyone who romanticizes #vanlife and is honest with themselves, understand everything you’re giving up before jumping in blindly.
you don’t have to learn everything the hard way. be honest and fix what you know needs to be fixed first.

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