I’ve been thinking about this episode for a while, and since it’s coming up soon, I decided some reflection is good after a few years.
Today is my thousandth day of sobriety. Does that mean that I wrote and recorded this episode in advance? Yes. Yes, it does.
At first, I didn’t wanna talk about it because I didn’t wanna jinx it, but as time went on, I realized there’s no way for me to pick up a drink before then, and I’m pretty dang confident that I have myself enough in order that there’s nothing that’s gonna make me pick up an alcoholic beverage.
Now, when I say sober, I mean from alcohol. I smoke, whatever, but the amount of poison I was feeding my bloodstream on an almost daily basis really did a number on me, enough for me to realize that I was on a very slippery slope, that alcohol was gonna be the cause of some major heartache and stress in my life if I didn’t stop.
I think I talked about it before. The last time I drank, I woke up not knowing how I drove my giant van back to my parking spot, my floor was covered in sticky alcohol and blood. I had to take the day off because my hangover was so bad that within moments of waking up, I knew this would be the last time I did this to myself.
In retrospect, I was in an ugly space with ugly people, which I was allowing to affect me. And then I realized bitch I am much better than this trash I allow in my life, and once I cut out those toxic situations, I recognized myself for what I was – a badass who’s smart and funny as hell, I ain’t the worst on the eyes, and yet here I am, killing myself. I realized if I died, I would be depriving so many people of me in the future. And that would be a waste because most people who spend enough time around me always want me back.
At least that’s what my mom says.
Quitting alcohol was so easy once I recognized my own value. I rooted for myself. When people say you can’t make someone quit, they have to want to, is a thousand percent true. We’re stubborn creatures who think we know what’s best for us.
The good thing is, people have been telling you these things the whole time, letting you know how much value you have to them, but the switch didn’t flip until you were able to see it for yourself. And then all of a sudden, we think it was our idea.
So to anyone who ever encouraged me to slow down (which tbh, wasn’t very many people. I wasn’t exactly open with what I was doing), just know that the seed was planted the first time you said it; it just took a long time to get enough sunlight to grow.
I guess it helps that I’m poor these days. I can only afford a couple of vices, and alcohol tastes like shit anyway and also it makes you fat. You like having a fat, bloated face? You like your new beer body physique? Imagine what your organs look like. I bet they’re tender, trying to fight the poison in your blood. I have to say things like this to discourage me from even thinking about it.
Can I drink socially? Fortunately, I haven’t been in any situations lately where someone has offered me alcohol. Once, at an airplane bar, a friend ordered me an overpriced beer. I looked at it, pretended to take a sip, then told my friend she could have it. Side note, this is someone who knew I wasn’t drinking because we USED to be drinking buddies until I stopped. I don’t think this is the type of thing that a friend would do, which is why I ain’t friends with that dumb bitch anymore anyway.
If I was in a situation now with some light alcohol, I think I’d still pass. Most people know I’m just gonna go to the bathroom and smoke a couple hits from the bat between meals anyway, so they won’t trip about me not drinking alcohol.
I’ve thought about it a few times, but ultimately, I’ve decided that as long as I have the ability to say no, I have to. I do sometimes worry about the day I might relapse, but I also imagine that it would have to be a really horrible day to think that alcohol is going to make it better.
I don’t hope for it. Honestly, I try not to even think about it, but I also know that we’re all human, even those dummies who think they got all the answers and are infallible. We’re all gonna fuck up; this is how we learn. Don’t punish people for making mistakes. All it does is perpetuate the notion that we’re not allowed to make them and find another way to create division. I say this generally, not just about drinking. Let’s stop trying to find all the differences between us, all the boxes I check and you don’t, and learn some empathy. We have a huge empathy problem right now, which is gonna lead to a sad future. Please learn to see each other as flawed human beings because that’s what we all are.
Anyways, this has been my TED talk.
If you like this show, this episode, or even me!, you can buy me a coffee now over at hihowareyou.US/coffee but truth be told it should probably be called Gas Money because lord knows my broke ass is still in the back of the van making instant coffee with international delight creamer. Purchased coffee is a luxury.
If you wanna shoot me an email, hit me up at blue@hihowareyou.US I tend to write back to most of you unless it hits my spam filter, and I’m always in awe when someone knew reaches out because it reminds me that, even though I don’t always see the point of this project, there’s always someone who lets me know they’re listening. So… that’s a cool feeling.
Anyways, I love you all, go get something done today, and we’ll catch up again soon.