episode 16: major depressive disorder

blue falls into a hole again and talks about where she stands on depression and how to get out of it.

thanks to the harris center in Houston, who was able to provide me with low cost mental health resources, even when i thought i was making “too much” money.

i think i might be depressed.

i wrote that line before i spoke to a psychotherapist. turns out i actually am. whoda thunk it?

good morning everybody, are you ready for this episode of debbie downer hits downtowner?

this kid has been in a weird slump lately.

i’m not posting about this episode on my instagram because my family looks at it, and i don’t want to trigger any sort of feelings or actions. i’ve already been threatened once, and i don’t need to risk my freedom, my job, or my sanity.

so if you are family, just know i am fine. i don’t have the motivation to do anything drastic.

i don’t even know what the trigger was, i just know the last couple of weeks my desire to get out of bed has dwindled. 

i have absolutely no desire to talk to anyone at all, and when i do have social interactions, they’re so forced. it’s almost automatic how my mouth can say something without any feeling or emotion behind it at all.

it’s scary actually. i wonder how often my brain goes on autopilot when my mind has gone black.

i’ve been thinking a lot about my self-worth, how little i feel i contribute to others lives, how i should just give in. 

i’ve pulled way back on smoking since i dont have much, and my dreams have been more vivid. the other night i dreamt i was drunk in the woods and right as i was about to throw myself off of a tree limb, my dog started barking and woke me up.

i have been dating but everything feels very hollow. rejection feels ten times worse. attachment is meaningless.

by the way, if anyone i am hanging out with hears this, dont take it personally. if we’re still talking, it’s because i’m hoping i’ll be able to push myself past this. but we’ll see.

i’m losing enjoyment in things i used to care about, people i used to love being around.

as i type this, i feel my stomach knotting up because one day i won’t be around, and i justify my withdrawal as practice. for the future.

i’ve pulled back from my only actual friend because its not beneficial to me to hear all the areas i should be improving my life when i am trying first and foremost to be happy. i don’t care about a vacuum right now. i don’t care about a gym. i care about meaning, and my friends are asking me to find meaning in things THEY care about.

just be happy, they say. snap out of it, get over it. feelings are fleeting. 

but the same feelings bubble up over and over again, and it takes a lot of energy to suppress that. 

tried to get a second job to fill the gap but that didn’t work out. i was just hoping to buy time.

anyway, i am mentally exhausted. i’ll probably be over it by the time i post this episode, but i am starting to dislike myself for the burden i’m becoming.

i finally found a place i can go to get actual professional help. i did it because my roommate basically threatened me and even though i know she probably had good intentions, i don’t have a lot of desire to address her considering what i was told in my initial intake session. 

they asked a shitload of questions. fortunately, i am not as damaged as i sometimes believe i am. i don’t hear voices. no hallucinations. i did have to withhold some information out of fear they might think i was a danger to myself. like “when’s the last time you thought about killing yourself?”

“oh, like a year and a half ago.” a lie.

so in order to qualify for any form of assistance, i had to be formally diagnosed, and they essentially told me what i’d already gathered: major depressive disorder, recurrent, mild to moderate.

ey, side note, the all of the lights interlude on kanye’s my beautiful dark twisted fantasy is so perfect. you can disagree with me, but you might be more crazy than i am.

anyway, i’m not on any form of treatment yet, my full intake session is in like 6 weeks from now.

during that session, i’ll meet up with an MD and a clinician to work out a plan for me, whatever that may entail. this next session should take up to 4 hours, so thank goodness for sick time.

a lot of their treatment consists of cognitive behavioral therapy, cbt for layman’s, and with consistency, i am hoping for a change in my thinking. 

i know i often struggle with negative thoughts, and even when i recognize that they are irrational, it is sometimes difficult to separate that from reality.

i have some thoughts on medication though. 

i was pretty adamant in the past that i didn’t want to be put on pharmaceuticals, and to a large extent, i still do feel that way. 

in 2010, 2011, i was speaking to a psychiatrist, but if you have any experience with them, you know the sessions are 15 minutes, and the entire purpose is re-evaluating if more medication is necessary. 

at the time, i cycled between wellbutrin, a norepinephrine-dopamine reuptake inhibitor, klonopin and ativan, both benzodiazepines. 

in retrospect, the benzos just keep my body running slowly, but also, i started smoking a lot of weed at the same time, but it honestly could’ve been a combination of the two. 

so this time around, i’m not opposed to some drugs, more specifically the NDRIs, but definitely not interested in any SSRIs or other class of drugs that may effect my weight or sex drive. 

also, i’m not a doctor. so we’ll see.

anyway, this is just to keep this updated. i am working on being more consistent with this thing, so bare with me as i work out the logistics.

in the meantime, subscribe and rate, especially on itunes. 

and by the way, quick question, if you actually listen to this, i’m curious as to how you found my podcast, so throw me a line.

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