why am i torturing myself?

oh you know, just an intro to what it is to be a neurotic, self-deprecating introvert who’s finally had enough. skip this episode if you hate learning things about people.

Let me make it simple..

I am socially inept. I mean, I always knew it, but I either dealt with it, or didn’t, and in most cases, if I could help it, I didn’t.

If you’re here, it’s because you’re like me – and maybe you feel like you’ve just hit a wall. Maybe your last relationship ended because you could never garner the courage to go to her family get-togethers because the thought of making the rounds made your heart want to jump out of your chest.

Maybe one of your closest friends didn’t understand why social situations were overwhelming and assumed you were uninterested, distant, and apathetic. Maybe someone judged you because you had a nervous tic you might not have been aware of, and now that they’ve mentioned it, it makes you insecure and closed off.

Social situations are hard, but sometimes they’re even more difficult for certain people.

So if you’re here, hopefully, it’s because you hope to gain something from my own journey – the ups and downs, the fears, the strengths, through feelings of self-doubt and confidence. I’m almost 30 years old, and I feel like my own mental blocks have prevented me from becoming a truly happy person in all aspects, in both my personal and professional life. But I’m determined to rewire my thinking and overcome this notion that I can’t be the self-assured person that I know I can be.

I expect to fuck up a lot. I expect to have bad days and good days, but we all do. And that’s a part of it. This is a vulnerable expression of my biggest insecurities, but since I have few real life friends these days, I’m willing to put myself out there.

I considered making a short story long, but I think this time around, I’ll work on the Cliff Notes version.

Even though I’ve always known I was bad in social situations, I didn’t recognize how bad it really was until I met someone who “held a mirror up to me.” In a way, I tried to nurture that friendship because I assumed that this was someone who could be somewhat sympathetic and maybe even a confidant, but our methods of communication were too different, and she grew pretty tired pretty fast.

At first, I took it personally. I felt misled, and because I clung so deeply to the words she’d said, it was difficult for me to understand how someone could be so, in my eyes, callous.

I realized it wasn’t her problem. And it’s not like I hadn’t gone through a breakup before; it was the fact that this person had pointed out something in myself that drudged up every insecurity, made me feel like she was on my side, then walked away from the situation.

So it took a little time to take a look at myself and how I could have been a better communicator, more emotionally available, and overall, just a better friend. My anxiety damaged what could have been a potentially decent friendship, but because I was always in my own head, second-guessing every word and action, I couldn’t connect with this person. And I just didn’t understand why.

But what I did start to recognize was that this was not unique to her – with most people I’m not comfortable with, I tend to be completely self-conscious, which affected how I interacted with these people.

So why am I doing this? Because I’m fucking sick of it goddammit. I’m not happy. I’m not happy with who I am because I haven’t learned to be comfortable and confident with who I am.

I was dropping out of classes that required any form of public speaking. Do you think this is a joke? Do you believe me when I say that if I looked at a syllabus that showed any presentation was due, I either dropped the class, or made up some catastrophic event as to why I couldn’t do it. It usually worked until one of my teachers forced me to do it. I think in a way, that was a stepping stone.

I used to skip callbacks for job interviews because there was just no way in hell. Aaaabsolutely no way.

Oh, you mean, dress up in some business casual-to-business hillary clinton style pant suit and sell myself to someone twice my age, while they take notes about me and decide whether or not i’m good enough for this job? oh thaaaat? naw dot com forward slash nope!

when meeting new people online, online because that was the only way I could meet new people (still is, now that i think about it), I flaked a lot. I ruined a lot of things that could have had potential. It wasn’t a good look for me.

But since I’ve realized this, I’ve picked up some good habits to help combat the stress, anxiety, and depression that came along with feeling sorry for myself.

First of all, I downloaded this app called Productive to reinforce good habits I wanted to create. I started small – drink water morning, afternoon, and evening.

Once I got that into rotation, I tried incorporating reading, namely recommended self-help books. But before I did that, I had to pay a pesky library fine. Stupid twenty cent late fees.

I have a list ready to go, and trust me when I say this has been hard – the last book I remember reading in its entirety was when I was a senior in high school… and it was “The Notebook.” And I only did it because I had a lot of spare time when I was in in-school suspension.

I’ve started meditating.

next time, i’ll definitely be talking more about productive because it’s an excellent, straightforward app that reinforced positive habits. i mean, really, you’re fucking around on your phone anyway, you may as well use this app. it’s free.

i’m typically the laziest person i know, but this, more than anything, has helped me keep track of my growth. sometimes the simplest things make the biggest impact, so you’re only playin yourself if you don’t take 5 to 10 minutes to let me tell you about a free app.

I’m also really excited about the wide range of topics we can talk about because there’s a lot that comes along with having to be honest with yourself. i know i’m noooooot a peeerfect peeersooooon (wait, am i allowed to sing that? is this going to be pulled?) i’m not perfect, but i’ve acknowledged and admit this, but i also know that i deserve better for myself mentally, emotionally, physically. i’ve been neglecting myself for too long now, guys. will someone else admit that it’s probably time to do something about it?

i smoke a lot of weed, guys *cough*. am i going to finally learn that perhaps it is actually a demotivator? will i be forced to stop? hint: probably not, but it is something that i think about. baby steps, guys. baby steps.

okay, this went on too long. you may as well listen to my next podcast, where i force productive down your throat. and before you say anything, no, i’m not getting paid to advertise them, at least, not at the time of this recording.

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