in memory of when i had motivation.

blue talks about falling off the alcohol wagon and the importance of having accountability.


here lies blues sobriety, her sanity, and last shred of decency. 

she will be remembered as a flake with good intentions but bad influences.

let’s just get right into it.

i started drinking again. first beer, and then handles of whiskey. finished most of it in one night.

i spent a hundred bucks on an unlimited never ending pasta bowl pass from olive garden. like, why would i do that?

i picked up vaporizing again. eating worse and less than before because i’m filling up on alcohol.

i’ve just been battling some stuff again, trying to remain composed but failing miserably, hating myself for it. being my own worst enemy.

i don’t really feel like rehashing anything right now, especially not here, but since i’m sober at this moment, i might as well put things out on the table.

sometimes we fail. sometimes we don’t get what we want and it destroys us temporarily. 

our entire worlds can be wrecked, we could’ve messed up everything. 
but thats a casualty of our lack of emotional intelligence.

even if you had to make selfish decisions to protect yourself, decisions other people would’ve made and HAVE made in your shoes, their double standards do not fall on you.

sometimes people have to hurt for a moment. but it matters little compared to allowing yourself to continue to hurt yourself.

so hopefully i can move past this, find some sort of meaning in all of the knots in my stomach and pain in my heart, and maybe i can channel that energy into creating instead of destroying.

thats easy to say when i’m sitting in an apartment by myself, no one to have to avoid, no one to watch and judge me for the mess i really am.

it’s hard sometimes, man. trying to stay on track, do the things you know you’re supposed to do.

it’s hard to remind yourself to NOT drink, hard to say in those moments, “we need to take a run, we need to eat better food. let’s do something except waste your day.”

but i’m bad at that. i’ve never had a good support system, so many of the major changes i’ve ever made in my life have been through my own initiation. 

but even still, all of my good habits eventually fall off. because for someone like me, i need someone to hold me accountable.

i tried using my mom, but she is resistant to change, so getting her to try something that would improve her quality of life is even more difficult than trying to get me to do a hundred situps a day. by that i mean it is hard as fuck.

so why do you need an accountabilibuddy? can’t you do this shit for yourself? is it wise to place the burden of your goals on the shoulders of another person who has no investment in you?

yeah, it’s true that at the end of the day you should be able to look at yourself and know yourself, know your reasons for making the decisions you do. 

but you’re not there yet, right? i mean, are we ever really? even the best of you have days where you’re just not feelin it.

so why do we need an accountabilibuddy?

well, for one, we dont really get the point of holding ourselves accountable.

accountability isn’t about punishing ourselves if we don’t hit our goals. it’s about checking in on ourselves and getting some feedback from other people so we can make sure we stay on track.

second. we let ourselves get away with a lot of shit sometimes.

we make up a million reasons why we can’t do the stuff we say we’re going to do.

“i’m tired” and “i’m busy” are some pretty common excuses we use to get out of our commitments to ourselves. 

you are more likely to stay on top of your good habits once you’re not able to use these excuses. a good accountabilibuddy just isn’t gonna let you get away with that shit.

we hit walls from time to time.

how often are you just breezing through those good habits, hitting the gym on schedule, eating great, you’re mentally balanced, and then bam, weekend hits, you probably have a couple of beers, you skip the gym, and then you pick up french fries on your way home no i swear i’m not speaking from experience ok maybe i am.

but it happens. and when it does, sometimes it becomes easy to say “fuck it” and slip back into not taking care of ourselves. 

one bad day has the potential to alter our headspace, in turn affecting our behavior, our environment. it’s a slippery slope, guys.

so who should you choose to be your accountabilibuddy?

for starters, it should be someone you respect and trust.

if you’re not gonna be able to tell yourself “just do the thing,” your backup needs to be someone whose word you’ll actually pay mind to.

if this is someone you don’t believe has your or even their own best interests in mind, you’ll probably be less likely to take what they say into consideration.

so choose someone you look up to. it can be a friend, a parent, a teacher. 

but it must be someone whose influence means something to you.

you need someone who is willing to see through your excuses.

someone who’s gonna be 100 with you when they see you slipping up.

and you’re not allowed to let your delicate ego by affected by this.

you need this. you need to hold yourself accountable.

if you find yourself offended by your buddy telling you whats up, then it’s time to sit back and re-evaluate why you’re even trying to begin with.

put your ego aside, and understand that someone who is looking out for your well-being doesn’t deserve to bear the brunt of your mood. 

hell, they don’t have to tell you a damn thing to begin with.

remember, you need them sometimes. if they’re straight up with you, you can’t be upset by it.

your accountabilibuddy can’t be a rescuer.

your accountabilibuddy can’t be the one making excuses for you, backing you up every time you have an excuse for not doing something.

if you say “it’s because i’m tired” your buddy can’t always respond with “you’re right, you deserve to take a day off.”

and maybe this is okay to do sometimes. but if they’re not encouraging you to keep it up and are more often than not helping you get out of it, this is probably not a good accountabilibuddy.

this person has to want accountability too.

you’re like the tag team champions of the wooooorld, the road dogg jesse james and the badass billy gunn.

they encourage you, you encourage them. it is a two way street of positivity.

if you’re able to do the same, then this is a mutually beneficial relationship. you hope each other learn, grow.

that’s all i got for you guys this round. if you’re having trouble finding an accountabilibuddy, you can always email me. 

i’m always looking for a firm kick in the ass.

if you’re up to reading suggestions, i’ve been recommending “mind over mood” to everyone i know, even though i’ve only made a small dent in it myself.

it’s essentially the definitive guide to cbt, cognitive behavioral therapy. 
my therapist recommended it to me, and it’s about understanding your relationship between your thoughts, behavior, and environment to ease the suffering of the mind, negative emotions, how to reframe your thoughts to become a happier person.

you can go to to pick it up from amazon. if you’ve read it, let me know your thoughts on it.

subscribe and rate on itunes if you love me. if you do, send me an email letting me know you did it so i can reply with how awesome you are.

i always say i’m working on being more consistent, so to any of you still listening, thank you for your patience.

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