how’s everyone doing this week?
this week’s episode is brought to you by superrobotparty and low horizon, both local bands from houston who were gracious enough to allow me to use their music on my podcast.
i’ll include links to their music and merch in the show notes.
i got a real problem with consistency, y’all.
if i recorded every episode i’ve written WHEN i write it, we’d be on like, episode 46 or something.
but by the time i get down to recording and editing, the shit isn’t relevant anymore. so then i scrap it.
this is another time.
the last month i’ve been going through some david bowie changes.
first and foremost, someone popped my bloody nose cherry.
yes, me and my three other personalities were pretty peeved for a few days, but she and her five personalities squashed it after a moment.
secondly. my mother was in the hospital for a little bit, just as i was starting to get back into a life groove.
third, been dealing with questions about where i’m going to live once my lease is up, whether i wanna buy a van to live in, sell my car, keep my car or kill myself.
i’ve gone through a slew of different emotions, i’ve gotten good news, followed by bad news, followed by good news.
i’ve been angry with family and friends, angry with myself, disappointed, hurt, scared.
i’ve laughed, i’ve cried, i’ve lost my mind, but i somehow managed to float back safely to earth.
but the few goals i set at the beginning of the month have mostly stayed intact.
if you follow me on instagram or check facebook at all, you’d know i have a 30-mile challenge, and 30-day sobriety pact.
i’m not including halloween because i’m pretty sure that’s gonna be a cheat day.
thus far, i’ve been sober the entire month of october, i’ve also run 27 of the 30 miles I need to do this month.
i’m looking forward to the future, to being truly independent, doing a bit of struggling to get where i need to be, despite the side eye i get from people who don’t understand how anyone could possibly choose to be house-less (i say houseless instead of homeless because it’s an insult to van dwellers to say their vehicle isn’t a home).
i just wanna get out of debt.
i don’t wanna pay rent.
i’m learning i don’t need a lot of material things, and i certainly don’t need people.
i feel that ugly sense of pride creeping its way back into my life, pretending like i’m superwoman and i can handle myself. no one else is obligated.
but that’s where i stand right now. i’m just exhausted. and in order to keep myself sane, i’m choosing what matters to me.
anger is not a negative emotion.
this is what i thought i learned not too long after my last episode, before i decided to stick my nose where it didn’t belong.
it’s okay to be angry, just learn to process it, don’t react, at least not right away.
so a little self-isolation is okay for me.
getting bad news, getting rejected, not getting the answer you’re hoping for, these are good exercises in motivation.
a hiccup in your plan means you’re going to have to be flexible, maybe even learn a little patience.
now, you’ve gotta take a closer look at your goals, at yourself, and maybe try something different to get another result.
its better than placing blame on someone else for doing (or not doing) something for you.
if someone chooses to help you, that’s great. if they don’t or say no, that’s okay too!
how someone chooses to act has nothing to do with you, so don’t take it personally.
they’re not making decisions based around what you want, and everyone is allowed their own boundaries. you have to respect them.
it’s okay for them to say no to you. they owe you nothing because ultimately, you’re in charge of your own life. they can’t do it for you.
sometimes we have to bend with the riverflow, even when it’s painful.
wow, this episode is a drastically different one than the one i would’ve released two weeks ago.
let that be a reminder that even when you don’t expect the blow, it’s much softer with time and as long as you’re learning from your experiences, you’re not failing.