what do you do when distant biological family comes back from the dead and threatens to cling on?

whoa look at us, doing back to back episodes like we are the rockets 94-95.

there was something shakin in the van around 2 this morning.
when i first woke up, i thought it was dove readjusting. 

but the second time it happened, i took a harder look and realized dove was trying to shove his face near the wheel well.

and as i closed my eyes, i imagined a snake wrapping its way inside of my van.

and in my head, i can hear my own voice screaming at me:

“you dumb shit, why didn’t you seal that huge hole like i asked?”

then the van shook again. and i mean like this 4 second long deep vibrations. i didn’t understand what could be doing that to my van in the middle of the night.

it happened around 4 times total before i finally fell asleep.

so my best guess is that it was either a) ghost or demon, or b) ghost demon snake hybrid.

my sleep has been a bit unsteady the last couple of months. it’s hard to sleep some nights with the humidity, but even harder when i start creeping myself out thinking of someone trying to get into my van while I’m in it. 

so I just toss and turn half the night, wishing someone could be like hey it’s cool, don’t worry about it. go to sleep.

the other part is some strange things have been happening to me randy newman style. 

I got a text out of the blue from someone saying they were my brother. I assumed (correctly) that this was another one of my father’s many children, but I tried to remain open to the possibility of having a potentially positive influence in my life. In other words, I did the opposite of what I usually do, and I attempted to withhold judgment.

Well la di da sometimes the benefit of the doubt is a load of shit.

He sure picked a fine time to come strolling into my life too, Mr. Season 28 motherfucker.

I was already feeling vulnerable, inadequate, detached from everyone again, so he was able to slip through the cracks initially.

But then he started trippin over me sending him some pictures. The ones he sent of him both included him flicking off the camera, like an 8 year old who finally got away from his mama to kick it with the boys for the first time. 

Ugh, I thought. It’s that kind of guy.

Then he started getting pushy about the pictures, couldn’t bother to go to instagram, couldn’t respect my wishes when i told him i was driving. gave me some serious ptsd.

I’d mentioned briefly I smoked, and his last text to me was yo sis where the dodie at.

So I blocked him. I mean, damn, if I can’t get bud from you, that only means you’re gonna be pestering me, and I’m the pest.

I told LCDC about this, and she just shook her head at me. “You’re cold,” she said. 

“No, but I already have two actual brothers I have to pretend to care about and actively avoid, and that’s enough energy.”

She laughed. I sighed. I broke up with her that week. Counseling is taking up too much of my time, and now that I’ve found my focus, that’s where I’m at. I have deadlines I have to meet. Goals to hit. No time to sit and decipher feelings, especially since I’m void of them now without human interaction.

Goddamn that sounded psychopathic. Just know I’m secretly crying inside and by secretly I mean audibly from the street beside my van. 

It was just a weird couple of weeks. It began with me trying to decide if it was worth opening myself up to that kind of relationship so late in the game, to realizing that just because someone is “family” doesn’t mean you should be guilted into giving them whatever it is they think they need.

He said he reached out because we’re family and we “need to be together.”

I was just like wut, but I don’t know you?

I just can’t. Why would I give him that energy when there are people I think of every day I wish I could give that same amount of energy to, people I actually like, and I’m gonna waste it on some scrub? Hell to the naw.

It was me who opened up Pandora’s box in the first place, me and my empty holes I’m constantly trying to fill, trying to understand myself, where I come from, who I am, thinking I’m going to find the answer within the same people who abandoned me.

I should’ve left it alone. I hadn’t spoken to my father in 15 years anyway, and it seemed okay.

But once I opened my arms to them again, I regret it. Tried to cut it off with my father instead of ghosting him. 

I was upfront in my feelings, how I didn’t feel the need to continue trying to forge a relationship with him.

He pretended to not get the memo at first, even after I re-sent the message and blocked him. Then he sent his family my way.

And now his ghost is still haunting me.

A small part of me is hanging on to some residual catholic guilt, wondering if I actually am in the wrong for not wanting these people to be a part of my life.

But then I remember that I do when I want when I want and that ain’t ever gonna change so fuck those guys.

Maybe you’re dealing with some similar bullshit and wondering “is estrangement for me?”

If your relationship with said family member is unhealthy, it’s okay to set boundaries, just like with anyone else. This applies to literally everyone.

It’s never okay to endure toxic relationships just because you think you’re obligated. You’re not.

You know what your obligations are? To be treated as a human being, to be regarded, and to treat others with the same amount of respect you’d like to receive.

And their obligation is to respect that or get the fuck out. And let them know mimi’ll call them a valet.

It’s okay to disconnect sometimes. You have to allow yourself time to take care of yourself, to heal, and sometimes space and time is necessary.

It doesn’t always have to be permanent. You don’t have to be extreme like me.

What your family has going on has nothing to do with you. 

It’s not your circus, not your monkeys. Not your drama, and not your problem.

Rate and subscribe. I’m trying to be more regular, in both podcasts and bowel movements.

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