the art of falling off the face of the earth.

wow i really just left you guys all in the dust.

good morning, hello, what up, how’s it goin, nice to see you, blah blah blah and other pleasantries¬†

all the simple salutations you forget when you’ve been removed from most social situations.

at least that’s how it’s been feelin.

im not gonna lie, i get a little people practice during work hours, through email and phone, the occasional local customer.

but the other day i legit forgot how to quickly answer the question “how’s your day going?”

on autopilot, i almost replied, “you too” but not like the band, more like the worst answer to the easiest riddle in the world.

i guess i was subconsciously trying to get out of having a conversation before it even began, assuming her segue into dialogue would be to simply say “have a good day.”

at least that’s what i hoped for.

instead, i stared at her with eyes low because that’s how little energy i’ve had for anything that wasn’t about me. the stare felt like it lasted two minutes, but it was honestly probably only three seconds.

i think i struggled to say, “thanks… you too?” and skidaddled away thinking i should probably wait at least another month before setting foot in this heb again.

after work, i just retreat to my post work top off life of gym and or food and or booze or whatever other project i’ve given myself to keep my mind off killing myself HAHAHA I JOKE I KID DONT TELL MY FAMILY HAHAHA

but seriously, it’s just me driving around keeping my mind off the fact that there are not enough hours in the day to make money, be productive, improve myself, and also have relationships, so the easiest one to sacrifice was relationships.

the ones that matter will stay there, i’m sure. my family, they’ll be around, just barely touching pinkies with me. everyone else, i mean, friendship is a two way street. if it happens, it happens, but my focus won’t be on people who have pushed me away and don’t want me around.

i’m not a social person anyway. i can get buy with little communication. sure, it gets lonely sometimes, you wanna have someone to confide in, guide you with dilemmas, hear you out, but i’ve learned that that’s not part of the job description of “friend.” and if you have a friend like this, be grateful as hell because that is one patient person.

no worries, i’m not gonna be some hermit. i still interact with people at the grocery store, the library, at work. and i still hate it just as much as i always have.

but you would be surprised with how much more you can accomplish when you cut out fairweather friends. the time you gain, it’s priceless.

i’m not telling anyone to go out and cut out all your friends. if you have solid relationships where there is equal give and take, hold onto those. but if you’ve been questioning motives, the balance of your friendship, by all means, give it a second look. because the time you are losing with wasteful friendships adds up and could have been used for your own benefit.

the voluntary solitude has been working for me. it’s allowed me to be able to look at myself instead of what i want other people to think of me. sometimes we spend too much time immersing ourselves in new relationships that your identity is a result of other people’s expectations of you.

we put on our best face, our best clothes, we are there to impress you. over and over again. but what about you? don’t you deserve to spend that much attention on what you want for yourself?

putting yourself on an island isn’t for everyone. some people believe they thrive under the spotlight of others, but if you are aware and conscious enough, you can probably find the value and necessity in introspection every once in a while.

i’ve started pushing my freelance business, rebuilt my website, got some finances in order.¬†

i get through so much more in my audiobooks these days. i was listening to dick gregory’s one “defining moments in black history” on my solo dolo road trip down the coast. finally finished “how to win friends and influence people” and just started to crack “conscious capitalism”

i don’t pick up everything, but i talked last episode about passive learning, so i’m still testing that hypothesis.

been looking into maybe paying someone to edit my podcasts for me to free up time for writing and recording, but haven’t figured out if it’s worth the money yet.

so i’m keeping busy, mostly trying to set up my money situation. i’m looking forward to being able to say “fuck all yall i’m out this bitch” but until then, i’ll continue to keep my head down and plan out my chess moves. because in the end, it’s me and me. and to a lesser extent my road dawg jesse james. even though he don’t know what’s going on half the time.

it’s a rough realization, at least for someone like me who is constantly in their feelings. but who ever said someone needed to be in your corner at all times? be grateful when you actually do have somebody there, but don’t dwell on it once it’s gone. it was always going to go.

man i swear to god, it always sounds like i’m having a one man pity party over here, but i promise you, it’s never as dramatic as it sounds. it just feels like it at this very moment.

i think maybe it’s because before i moved into my van, i had to get rid of a lot of things. even the time before i moved into my last apartment, my roommate didn’t want me bringing a lot of junk, so i tossed sooooo muuuuuuch shiiiiit jesus christ.

it was much easier the second time around, but if i pick something up and say “this doesn’t bring me any happiness or value” that makes it so much easier to toss.

and in some ways i might be trying to apply that same principle to my personal relationships, and that may or may not be necessary. people are not objects. tell that to my ex, amirite?

the point is, you don’t have to be as harsh as me. but if you find that you spend a lot of time people pleasing, re-evaluate if this is time well spent. if it is, leave it be. if not, cut that shit out, or start charging for your time.

speaking of charging for time, why don’t you hit the subscribe button wherever you are, and let itunes know this is a 5-star podcast for cool people only and only COOL PEOPLE can listen

and hopefully i can upload some more once i get some help with editing because i never wanna see the Inactive tag on my podcast again ugh.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.