we’re coming up on some important dates, and i wanna spend a little time flexin on you guys.
first things first, rip uncle phil.
secondly, mid march marks 1 year since i’ve lived in my van full time. if you can spend 4 straight months of 95-plus degree nights in the heat of a van, honestly you can do anything.
it ain’t comfortable, and i’m happy to know i can do it, but it is honestly the last summer i will ever vandwell full time in texas.
for the last year and a half, i’ve been setting myself up to live a little more freely in terms of my expenses and income. my current van goal is eliminating my credit card debt so my credit score can increase. also, i’m putting money aside for the inevitable down payment on land. or, you know, in case of emergencies.
a year in, i’ve only reduced my debt by 20%, but the last 4 months or so, i’ve been putting every extra dollar i can to paying this shit off, so right now, according to mint, i can pay it all off in 2 years.
that’s without any additional credit card spending, which has been rough since we haven’t had OT at work in several months. it’s fucking with my timeline.
other than that, i am surprisingly still employed. we’ve talked about me working remotely, and once it begins getting hot again, it’s a discussion i need to have with the bosses. but i’m not concerned with that just yet.
third. another anniversary. mid February marks 3 years since i’ve been publishing this podcast. 3 long years. this is episode 37, which means i average around 12 episode a year, one a month.
which is actually kinda funny because i was just listening to my intro thinking, “i definitely don’t publish once a week, nor are my episodes 10 to 20 minutes anymore.”
so maybe soon i’ll re-record my intro so i’m not falsely advertising.
but still. 37 episodes. i didn’t quit 3 episodes in like my documentary podcast.
one final milestone.
as many of you know, i’ve had a recurring struggle with my best friend and worst enemy, alcohol, basically my entire adult life. it has seen peaks and valleys, but it’s been pretty consistently in my life for the last few years for sure. it became a crutch for poor problem management.
but the last time i had a single drop of alcohol was december 6. prior to that, i had one drink at my aunt’s birthday party in late september, and the time before that, i bingedrank myself into a suicide attempt, and that was september 18th.
you’re probably cringing thinking “wow this bitch is so pathetic, she is celebrating 2 months without a drink. she’s so pathetic, hasn’t gotten fucked up to the near point of death in 4 and a half months.”
well shit i guess i’m one pathetic piece of shit then. and i’m pretty damn happy about it.
it’s so weird. the last time i drank, i tried to kill myself. unsuccessfully of course because i can’t do shit right when my eyes are closed.
but when i woke up, i like, actually woke up. i realized what i needed to do for myself, i did it, and i’ve only looked back a couple of times.
i have literally had 0 days after that day where i said “i’m gonna drink today.” the only two times i drank after that was a few days after at my aunt’s thingy, and it was one super weak drink that was handed to me.
the second time was with a coworker, and she bulldozed me. never in my life have i told someone “i don’t really wanna drink.” that’s just not the shit that i do.
i told her i was broke. i told her i was doing well not drinking. made all the excuses in the book, i don’t wanna drive impaired, whatever. in the end, i let her win because stupid bitch really convinced me i needed to get out of the van for once. plus, she paid for the uber to and from.
i’ve since realized that that wasn’t really cool of her to disrespect my boundaries, especially when it comes to my sobriety. it’s one of my biggest struggles, and the cause of most of my conflicts.
so beginning december 7, i’ve been 100% dry. yeah, of course i still have my herb because it keeps me mellow, but the alcohol, it made me unhappy. i’ve never been happy about the decisions i made under the influence.
but i had to remove myself from a toxic situation to get there. it sucked for a little bit, but ultimately, the situation i was in was not taking me where i wanted to go.
sometimes you have to change gears. sometimes people are holding you back from being happy and doing great things, and sometimes you’re giving more than you’re taking.
the only relationships that last are mutually beneficial ones. you can’t make someone speak your language. they either do or don’t. and if you’ve spent more time trying to make them understand you than wanting to be around them, then you’re not doing it right.
so overall, if it means that, right now, i’m in a good enough situation to be sober, i think it’s okay to not allow anything to disturb my peace.
i know in the future i’ll have rough patches. my dog is gonna die. my mom is gonna die. heavy financial strain. SOMETHING heavy will trigger me to drink again, i’m sure.
but right now, i’m good. i feel like my soul has been on vacation. it’s almost too peaceful, like something is gonna pop up and fuck my shit up.
see, there i go again with my pessimism, right? but is it really? isn’t it just realism?
you know challenges will always pop up. bad news comes in all forms. it’s coming. eventually.
all that means is be ready for it. do whatever you can to brace for the impact. have your shit together.
man, how the fuck do you guys let me babble on so long, and then validate me with downloads?
rate, subscribe, yadda yada yada. check me out on ramblinvanradio.com where this podcast airs every day at 7:30 AM and PM CST.
i’m also working on a new sample session segment, where i get to geek out on music, go cratedigging and introduce you guys to samples in songs you may not know the origins of.
once i get it together, you guys will be the first to know the airtime. i really think i’m casey kasem, don’t i?